24yo thoughts on working in startups.

This post is from 2013 August

Working in a start-up company could be really tough.

You will be dealing with unfairness, bullshit(just like any other job I suppose), and A LOT OF gray zone.

Some might call the gray zone a flexibility of the firm, but I call that a bullshit.

Being one who works for a start-up firm, it’s really difficult to keep my emotions in check even on this blog. Excuse for my occasional leaks of my negative feelings.

I’m trying my best to stay calm and civil writing about it.

Okay, let me start by stating why I’m even gonna start writing about it.

I was once in the situation where my emotions and motivations would just go up and down on a bumpy road, constantly trying to cheer myself up every time something bad happened. I seem to go up, motivate myself in hard situations, but something had to happen again and knock me off my feet, breaking my spirit and drown me in misery till I somehow managed to find reasons to stay and cheer myself again, trying to grasp the last bit of positivity in whatever I was dealing with. Could it be, though, a delusion in my desperate state.

But eventually, there came a day I had to write an answer to the empty bracket for the big question, the question that was always hanging in my head.

“Is it working for me? Should I stay…?”

Ladies(and gentlemen), when do you know that something just does not work for you?

Is it you? or the situation?  Are you confident enough to tell that for yourself?

Back then, GREATLY helped by the circumstances, my somehow-grown self decided that it wasn’t me. I was already trying my best, but things just kept getting worse. At the last stroke incident I saw why, it was my ex boyfriend who didn’t change, and I couldn’t change him for me.(The energy he was bringing in and the way he was, was, something I did not want to deal with, nor ever wanted in my life.) He meant the world to me. In reality, he was killing me inside, and inside me whatever that was constructing “Me” before was nowhere to be found, along with my dignity and values that mattered to me.

What if it was something that’s not you, your boss, your boyfriend, the organizational systems, corporate culture, the society’s norm, anything that’s just ain’t you?

I am again in a doubt. Doubting if I’m in the right place.

I do not agree with a lot of things that’s going on in the company.

I am not proud of where I am or what I do. I do not know where I am going.

And I feel very scared and threatened for not having “The direction” I can set for myself.

Everything looks blur here, stress is the only sharpness


24 yo thoughts

This post is from 2013 August

Being home makes me realize why I miss home, why I left home, and this melancholy feeling to everything back home, makes me re-think about what I really want to pursue in life.

Being with my family. They make me feel like THEY ARE my happiness that I’ve been majorly missing out since I left for college. But deep down I also know myself and what I want to do with my life to make me happy in a long run. I just want to make them proud of who I have become and with what I’m about to do with my life. 

This trip home gave me an answer to my long standing question- 

You got your dream.

You got your goals.

You believe you are capable.. but is this what I really want?

And when your confidence breaks, and you find yourself alone in the middle of a foreign country, you see your friends happily married back home, starting a family, getting a stable life, people tell you your expiry date is getting closer..you don’t want to fail and be left miserable all alone…it’s scary.

But being home is the time to reflect on yourself. Where you come from and where you’ve been to makes a big part of you. 

I know more than anyone, I want to achieve my goals and realize my dreams.

I am more convinced than anyone, this is who I am.

And every minute I stumble in fear and wonder “Should I settle down like others”

my gut tells me “You know that’s not what you want”

The strength to be so sure, the strength to stay focused, the strength to keep going when there’s no promise to a success,

I may not always have it, but it is in me, unless I change to be someone else.

This trip home made me realize that once again. And for that I am grateful for being home.