This post is from 2013 August
Working in a start-up company could be really tough.
You will be dealing with unfairness, bullshit(just like any other job I suppose), and A LOT OF gray zone.
Some might call the gray zone a flexibility of the firm, but I call that a bullshit.
Being one who works for a start-up firm, it’s really difficult to keep my emotions in check even on this blog. Excuse for my occasional leaks of my negative feelings.
I’m trying my best to stay calm and civil writing about it.
Okay, let me start by stating why I’m even gonna start writing about it.
I was once in the situation where my emotions and motivations would just go up and down on a bumpy road, constantly trying to cheer myself up every time something bad happened. I seem to go up, motivate myself in hard situations, but something had to happen again and knock me off my feet, breaking my spirit and drown me in misery till I somehow managed to find reasons to stay and cheer myself again, trying to grasp the last bit of positivity in whatever I was dealing with. Could it be, though, a delusion in my desperate state.
But eventually, there came a day I had to write an answer to the empty bracket for the big question, the question that was always hanging in my head.
“Is it working for me? Should I stay…?”
Ladies(and gentlemen), when do you know that something just does not work for you?
Is it you? or the situation? Are you confident enough to tell that for yourself?
Back then, GREATLY helped by the circumstances, my somehow-grown self decided that it wasn’t me. I was already trying my best, but things just kept getting worse. At the last stroke incident I saw why, it was my ex boyfriend who didn’t change, and I couldn’t change him for me.(The energy he was bringing in and the way he was, was, something I did not want to deal with, nor ever wanted in my life.) He meant the world to me. In reality, he was killing me inside, and inside me whatever that was constructing “Me” before was nowhere to be found, along with my dignity and values that mattered to me.
What if it was something that’s not you, your boss, your boyfriend, the organizational systems, corporate culture, the society’s norm, anything that’s just ain’t you?
I am again in a doubt. Doubting if I’m in the right place.
I do not agree with a lot of things that’s going on in the company.
I am not proud of where I am or what I do. I do not know where I am going.
And I feel very scared and threatened for not having “The direction” I can set for myself.
Everything looks blur here, stress is the only sharpness